michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 17)

i just feel so tired and overwhelmed today, and not too motivated to do much. this is actually the least motivated i've been in a bit. i think i had a bit of a burst of energy, but then i walked all the way home and now it's all gone. my feet hurt so much from last night, and then walking home as well. i just think it's funny that i feel overwhelmed, even though i haven't done much today. it feels like the cycle has begun again. the first round is over, but the same thing seems to be happening that happened two weeks ago when all this happened. i am still feeling like all of this is too much.

yes, i have accepted your transcendence; this is not the problem. i would just like to have a moment with you to focus and engage with your spirit in a quiet place, but i just haven't had the opportunity to do so yet. i still find myself being asked about what i think of what others have said about you... about your drug use. about the state of your paternity. about how much plastic surgery you got. about all this outside stuff i really have no concern about at this point. none of this matters now, as you are no longer physically here to represent yourself. so i am just tired of discussing it. i just want to sleep and know that when i wake up all of this will be gone.



and with this day comes more frustration... i try to maintain the philosophy that people mean well, because i know they do... with all of these sudden memorials to you, i thought i'd be pleased that people are making attempts to finally acknowledging you in the way i feel you should be honored. but the slowness turns into rapidity in terms of sensing the irony emanating in many places. someone told me in the course of all this that the fakers will disappear soon... the problem is, it's not always easy to tell who is sincere, and who is cashing in (not necessarily monitarily) on your transcendence... and with that i don't always know who to talk to.

in a couple of days i would like to simply sit with you, and clear my mind from being so overwhelmed with people all around me. i'd like to rest my feet while i am at it too.

speak soon,
your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 16)

okay, i just want to have a little chat, just you and me... i'd like to do away with the student-teacher relationship for a bit, if you don't mind...

i just want to tell you how much i love you and appreciate you, just as a force in my life. i am extremely humbled by your spirit being present in my day to day. today was a specifically humbling experience, and i wanted to take some time out and tell you how appreciative i am in your reminders to me to just re-examine my role in the communities surrounding me, and beyond...

i just came back from a 'prince v. MJ' event (where it wasn't a battle so much as a celebration of both of your musical legacies), and i was reminded of how much i love you (for all time)... i cried four times there, just as i am crying right now as i write this, as i am listening to your music right now... it's still so awkward for me to hear you. and hearing you makes the tears come back, when i thought they had dried up...

with all these tears, those sunny days seem far away, as you once sang... but i swear though, your spirit was watching over me tonight... i felt you. i felt you move through me like i've never felt before, as i danced in between the tears... your spirit kept me safe, and comforted me all throughout the day. you really did look out for me today...

...as i was at the DMV office, and a wonderful little girl with a beautiful smile and a loving mother stood behind me... the energy was so positive in there, despite the waiting in line. positive- at the DMV!!! and of course, when i was at the thrift shop your song played. it was 'dirty diana'. i found it strange that THAT song would be playing... but stranger that ANY of your music was being played at all! it's like you are surrounding me wherever i go... but everyone was so nice.

i then went down to the radio station, where yugen and i had a wonderful dialog on his show about the template you created, in terms of inspiring us to seek the love in all things. it's a hard road, even you figured that out; but you made attempts to do that as much as you could, thus creating a template for all of us. but more of the humbling happened... i found a note in my box, stating that someone donated money to our community radio station, because they heard the gift of your music on the air, on the day you... transcended. i have people telling me how powerful and moving the show was... but i personally don't know what it was. i just know that it had to be done. there was no way i was NOT going to honor you on the air in the best way i could, in spite of the abrupt nature of the news. my feelings were so jumbled on that day, as they somewhat are now. listening back to the show (to catch why people found it so moving), it seemed so surreal being there. i didn't necessarily feel moved; i just felt devastated. and i know that if no one was in the air room with me, i would have been crying on the air.



and so, we end back up at the 'prince v. MJ' event, where your spirit's movements have culminated from all of the other events of the day. immediately i began dancing for the first time i have danced in two and a quarter weeks (the amount of time since you physically left us). it was incredibly freeing to just MOVE in that way... the funny thing is, i don't feel compelled to move in that way, outside of this little moment. with this little fact i knew you were looking out for me...

but as i dressed like you at this moment (seemingly, the ONLY person to dress up like either you OR prince, as people kept coming up to me all night asking me to take photos with them and such- i wore the 'black or white: part 2' outfit), i recognized what it was like to be you, if only for a fraction of a moment. and i realized i do NOT want to be there. i have had these realizations before, particularly in the course of writing the book. but it all became much clearer during the event.

you moved through me, and i felt compelled to do the dance that accompanies the song 'beat it' just for a little bit, on the stage... in most circumstances i'd be opposed to going on the stage. but you moved through me. you spoke, and i listened. and when i went on stage, let me tell you, the screams were so deafening i'm sure even YOU could hear it... i saw people with cameras in the phones snapping away... i didn't understand what the big deal was; i mean, i'm not YOU...

and throughout the night, even though my heart was aching, i smiled... you know quite well about that, don't you? but in between the smiles, came many tears. i knew i was gonna cry (this event was still too soon, ESPECIALLY after knowing that the crying has not yet ceased, after a few days of dryness) but i was not aware of what context that would happen. i suppose i had some sort of clue... there was a video tribute to you so lovingly made by the hosts of the event... i KNEW this was going to happen and expected it. but when it began i could not even watch it. beside the music i just crouched down and cried. and i saw those YEARS posted... you know, the one where they diagram the birth and transcendence.

and even though i have actually ACCEPTED your transcendence at this point, it's still so very hard to see those words together. the ironic thing about it all is that, in all the statements people have written and said about you in all this time, regardless of your existence on this earth, that is the one factual statement that cannot be disputed... 25 june 2009... do you know how difficult it is to read this date?

i think as much as i acknowledge your transcendence i am still in disbelief about the basics. the factual statement of it. contradictory, i know. but i am a contradictory person, just as you were here on this plane. just as so many of us are.

and so i cried as your images were displayed on a screen to memorialize you... i also cried as your video to 'man in the mirror' was playing, alongside one of your sister janet's songs... i also cried during the song's actual arrival at the end of the night... this was the final song of the night. as i collected my thoughts and focused on my breathing (remember to breathe!) i felt a bit better. but when you began to do your ad-libs at the end of the song, requesting people to start with themselves, the tears blended amongst the drunken patrons who may or may not take the message of your inspirational words home with them. this is the gift you have given us; that which reminds us of how our actions begin with us; and how they could either perpetuate the cycle of abuse or end it.

i also cried when 'i'll be there' came on.

i cried because i knew all the emotions surrounding my relationship to you- the anger, the joys, the sadness, just culminated all over again in this one evening. and once again i realized i truly loved you.... as the ability to allow all of these emotions to happen, then pass, should be rooted in love...

and i am thinking, this person has lived a life that was so full, but he didn't really get to enjoy it... you never had that total freedom which is required of true happiness. i sincerely hope you are free now, wherever you are...

your words resonated with me after the event; where i saw a man i have not seen in a while... the last time i saw him was last august (around the time you were brought onto this earth), when i dressed like you... he was a man who was living at the mission downtown, which provided meals and other provisions for people who are homeless... this man was so happy to see me, and i was happy to see him; i wondered how he was doing. i also instantly thought of christopher, a homeless man i used to see all the time when i worked downtown. i wonder about him a lot; i wonder if he is healthy, or if he is still here on this earth.

i don't feel pity for anyone; still, i would love to find a way to be able to feed everyone, and to know they are okay and are looked after. i think for some folks, a hello is nourishing to them, even... but this man was so happy to see me (and was quite pleased to meet the person i was with), and was happy i remembered him... he gave me a hug and a kiss, and said he loved me. and i told him i loved him more. you spoke to me again, and i said those words.

because i do not play with the word love. and i believe it is possible to love someone as your brother or sister. this is a different type of love than the intimate love, emotional or otherwise... this is a love which senses the goodness in someone's spirit. and i sensed that in him.

and i know i wanted to cease the teaching/learning relationship between us for just now, but you can never eliminate that from the psyche. every moment i have taken the opportunity to learn from you. and no more than tonight did i realize that.

i love you... my teacher.
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 15)

such a range of emotions have happened today, teacher...

people are still telling me, to this day, that they've thought of me when they heard the news of your transcendence. it has been two weeks and still, people have been reaching out. i went to the post office, and of COURSE i go in there and your voice comes over the speaker... "can you rememberrrrrr/ when we were babiessss"... do you remember this song? do you remember how they had you take it a notch down in age, from the original delphonics song? i just sighed to myself and pondered at this seemingly never-ending reminder of my feelings. i go to the counter (where one of my favourite postmen happens to be) and what did he tell me? "i thought about you when it happened..." he said he told people he knew i was going crazy. something to that effect.

i go to work soon after, and people told me the same thing- that they thought of me when... there really isn't too much to say to that. as i said to you, i really have no true words to describe how i am feeling. the words i write are merely just modes of compromise, so someone else who reads this may understand a common language of grief surrounding all that has happened.

i am at work and my co-worker turns off whatever music is playing, and pops in a cassette of 'thriller'. before he does this he says, 'oh! i brought something for you.' i have listened to your music in bits since all this has happened, obviously; but i have not listened to a whole album of yours in a while. initially, it was difficult to hear the anthemic nature of the opening song (which i usually love to sing and dance along to)- i could not reach past my sadness. listening to 'wanna be startin' somethin'' registered new feelings in me i could not comprehend. it was no longer excitement. i began to sense the anger in your voice. i began to sense the anger in a lot of your songs being played on this cassette. the anger, and the desperation.

i began to think more about the process in which this album was made: how it was recorded and the narratives surrounding this. how the album was done and ready to ship, and then you were not satisfied with the outcome, so you called it all off, and gave it a second life. your intuition was right, and you created history. i began to think more about the process, and i stood there working, listening to the melodies emanating from the speakers; and i found a whole new beauty in the album.



i'm going to be honest with you again, teacher (it's not like i've ever lied to you though): 'thriller' was never one of my favourite albums of yours. i mean, i LIKED it but i found your later work to be so much more politically and sonically compelling. to me, HIStory was your artistic moment of truth. i love your dablings in classical music. i love the transparency of your anger and your vulnerability on the later albums, as well as 'off the wall', and even the 'destiny' album you recorded with your brothers. listening to 'thriller' over time, i never sensed the same kind of truth coming out of there, except for a couple of tracks. the older i got, the more i actually liked the album. the arrangements were impeccable, and perfect for the time it was recorded. but in a funny way it also was ahead of its time. it was taking old-school recording methods into a new social landscape. it would be the beginning of utilizing many more technological/media tools into one's art. the album did so well because people were seemingly hungry for that.

but i just surrendered and listened... and i found a beauty in the album that i had never heard before. i cannot explain this in words, teacher. but i realized that i finally GOT it.

the day moves on, and i just ponder in between conversations... i arrive home after work and i look at one of the many magazines that have memorialized you... earlier in the day i commented on how many factual errors were in the magazine (most of the errors so far being photos- i mean, they even said that an IMPERSONATOR was you!!! i haven't read the whole thing yet. i am afraid). but i just looked at it, to take it all in.

i looked through the section called 'the world mourns'; and i did something i haven't done in a few days: i cried. i though that part was over, but apparently not. even though i feel i have acknowledged and accepted your transcendence, it is still very hard to deal with. i shared the pain of so many others around the world... i thought about how many people you've reached, and it made me cry. i am still feeling so heavy, teacher...

i am going to an event tomorrow where your music will be played. i really don't know if i will be emotionally able to deal with that, but i'm gonna give it a try. for you, for me, and for all the people in the world feeling this pain. if i cry tomorrow, just know that my heart is in a place of love and respect for you.

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no.14)

it's been a long day, teacher... but i did learn one thing. it came to me as i was doing a radio show today: i will never take the definition of teaching in a literal way. i'd like to think i was one who has seen the reciprocal relationship between teaching and learning, but tonight it truly made sense. learning really IS the same thing as teaching. it is a set of exchanges; of both speaking and listening.

i love to just hear people speak, and learn about their experiences, but i recognize that what i have to say can be just as beneficial, if i am open to that. just because one does not speak though, does not mean they are listening.

i have not been listening to the outside voices when it comes to you too much; but i am sure you already know that. it's kind of funny, when i would latch on to every bit of information about you as i was writing a book, to get a cross-section of information, in order to connect dots. some of that stuff i'd know was factually wrong, but i'd still read it, to check against everything else. now, it's terribly difficult to differentiate what is, and what isnt. just being so inundated with information... is it the same amount of information as it was before? is it more? did i just never notice because i was so absorbed? it used to be so easy, teacher. you sure are making me work hard...

you were set to perform in a few days in london... do you feel a sense of relief now? are you not dealing with all that joint pain any more? all the emotional pain? or are you performing, wherever you are? i'm just down here trying to set things straight for you. i suspect you don't need me for that, but i'm just trying to do all of this in the name of positivity.

it was really wonderful to have people around today. before i started the show, i had a moment of silence for you... did you hear it? i'm going to be honest with you... even though i feel much better since the two weeks (it's been exactly two weeks!) since you... transcended, i still feel this wave of sadness. i can't shake it. i can smile now, but deep inside i feel so heavy.

at least i can say your name now. i think.

but i wonder if part of the sadness is the frustration with being bombarded by all this information. that people will not let your spirit rest. i'm sure that's what it is. but much of it is also thinking about how much you mean to me, and how much you have taught me. part of the frustration is also never really knowing how to explain this to people. i feel... speehless, really.

how do you vocalize grief? how do you vocalize true inspiration?

these words i speak and write to you will never convey how i feel. so i do the best i can.

thank you so much my teacher, for bearing with me.

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 13)

this grieving bit is some serious business, ain't it?

it's been helping to have conversations with you though... your voice calms me; you bring balance and a rational perspective. i have been screaming so loud to you all day, teacher, and you have been patient with me... you just told me to listen to my heart. you told me to let go of my anger if for one moment. you told me you knew how much i loved STEVIE, and i should not value my love for him less than my anger for the whole memorial.

and so i watched his dedication to you... i placed my hand over my heart and my eyes became watery... and then the camera kept moving to your picture, as STEVIE played 'i never dreamed you'd leave in summer' and 'they won't go when i go'... because your physical being left us in the summer, teacher... just as summer was beginning. you took with you those summer days, and brought the cool winds to portland. and my anger washed away if but one moment...



i wish i could say it were gone for good.

well, it's not so much ANGER as it is that returning frustration and tiredness. the cycle begins again... stage two... i am just so tired, yet again, of being inundated with news, links, analyses, and all these other words about you... they begin to jumble together after a while. i try to ignore it but they just keep popping up. all of these people trying to pick you a/part once they've found some realization of your 'sadness'... it just makes me want to stay inside, to prevent one more person from saying something to me. why is it that no one said anything before? why is it you've been screaming the whole time and people just called you strange? but now, they understand. they somehow GET IT.

we must be honest with each other, teacher... the only thing we know about you is what we know through ourselves... whatever we claim to know about you is simply how we perceive you. there's nothing too complicated there. we place our hopes and aspersions on you, either culturally or otherwise, because we desire you to be all things to all people. and with this you could never be... just yourself.

but we do not know you. and so, in your spirit we collectively attempt to figure you out, through words and theories. but all we need to do is just pay attention, and the answer is right there...



i appreciate this opportunity to be present in your class yet again...

your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no. 12)

we're back to square one... sort of. kind of. this is why i can never guarantee anything when it comes to this...

i woke up today, in the midst of your memorial. with a driving sadness... i didn't expect to be that sad today, as last night i came home, combing my brain yet again in terms of what to say to you- i know what i want to say but i never know HOW- and i found the plant that had been falling down was wide awake!!! you see teacher, i was so happy some weeks ago because this plant had grown another leaf, after a couple of years... but when you... transcended, it was like the plant became sad. i tried talking ans singing but nothing worked. there was a report someone told me about some time ago, and it said that plants don't really like classical music (why this would be assumed, i don't know) but they like YOUR music. this doesn't necessarily work for the plants HERE, though. maybe they like certain songs...

but i got home to find the plant awake and alive!!! and i wondered if this had anything to do with you speaking with him. of course my thoughts went directly to E.T., in the scene where elliot was broken up because his friend got captured to be experimented on. and when his heart stopped beating the plants withered. elliot was in the midst of drowning in tears when his friend's heart began to glow, and E.T. came back to life!!! and the plants felt that life and acted accordingly.

i suspect this could be congruent with my relationship to you, where even in your transcendence you are alive in me, and have given me life to go and create and affect positive changes.

HOWEVER!!! still, i woke up to an almost debilitating sadness, where i could not get up. i just kept waking and falling asleep. and while i was in the midst of this, your song kept flowing through my head. and when i finally got out of bed the song became clearer and clearer. "i can't help it, if i wanted to..." i wondered why this specific song, my favourite song of yours, ran often through my mind at this time (to paraphrase one of the lines). was it you talking to me? was it you just reminding me of the beauty of life, in a plant, or a song?

was it you just letting me know that, despite any worries or anger regarding this memorial to you happening as i was sleeping, that YOU were okay?

is it true that all these conversations really AREN'T one-sided, and you really are listening to me?

the universe has interesting ways of speaking and responding... today, after all my sadness about not having anyone to grieve here in portland, i got an e mail from someone about connecting. i also had an extremely long conversation with someone who is working on healing as well... and we spoke about you. and our hearts went out to your children and we hoped they'd be safe. and we spoke about you and your sadness... she told me i should finish the book. EVERYBODY says that teacher, but i am still looking to you for guidance. when the time is right, you will tell me. i know this. it doesn't hurt to ask, though.

speak soon,
your humble student,
jamilah

michael, may you now be at peace: a reflection (no.11)

i've been at a meeting all day for eight hours, and i'm tired... all day i have been figuring out what i wanted to say to you and more importantly, HOW to say it... to this day i'm still getting the "i'm sorry" comments about your transcendence. that is pretty amazing to me; in that so many people, more people than i could have imagined, have recognized and acknowledged my love for you.

what i wanted to say most of all to you right now is that i do not have a good feeling about your memorial tomorrow. and i know you won't take this personally (because i think at this point you know i love you) but i will be boycotting the event. i do not HAVE a tv in the first place in which to watch it; but also i won't be rushing to someone's house or shop to watch the events unfold. i'm sure your family and the organizers mean well; but i have a feeling deep in my heart that this really is not for the fans, and more for some notion of prominence. it's difficult for me to put in words how i feel. but somehow i think you know what i mean.

is it actually true that only those living in the north american territories were able to apply to this ticket lottery (i really hate that word when applied to your rememberance)? my heart goes out to any fans who have travelled all the way to become enveloped in your spirit, and will not be able to share their joys, or their memories. my heart ESPECIALLY goes out to any fans who are risking being arrested (or beaten, knowing the LAPD) just to be near any semblance of a ceremony in your memory. now is not the time for me to make judgements upon them; i just wish them safety, and positive energy in this time.

i am so tired, dear teacher. literally and figuratively. i am tired of being inundated with news about you- news that continues to scandalize you in your transcendence, or essays by people who never noticed your humanity before, and are now seemingly cashing in on it. this is nothing new; you've already spoken of this, but still... i am tired of not having people here to grieve with. i just want to switch off, but i know i have to go on, for that is the pro-active thing to do. i have returned to the words of wisdom in your book, 'dancing the dream', for inspiration. this is what keeps me going. it certainly is one thing to dream, but it is another to create that dream into a reality. i think the 'dance' you were talking about was the reality you presented to us, as an option we could take to better our interactions with each other. i continue to learn these things every day. and so i still turn to you for guidance and inspiration.

today though, i just want to fall asleep. i want to dwell in the comfort of my bed with lumbia at my side, at my feet... i know tomorrow is a new day, where new actions and ideas are born... tomorrow is a new day for me to honor you in my own way, whilst others will be paying tribute in massive crowds and cameras.

as i honor you every day in my own way, i for sure want to officially recognize your transition, with a ceremony... i want to recognize my finally growing acceptance of this fact (surprisingly, i have not engaged in the 3rd and 4th stages of grief). the first stage is slowly withering away, and the second stage still exists- but i overstand that i am not able to control what people say about you. all i can do is hope that they one day will learn from your messages as i, and many others have.

i ask you to allow me to remain with you as this period of acceptance approaches. i ask you to allow me to continue to honor you after this grieving period has long ceased. i ask that you allow me to confer with you every once in a while-i'm still thinking about a book, you know. not only this, but you have assisted in what i consider to be another stage, another beginning for me. i will never stop thanking you for that.

i just ask that you let me know you're doing okay up there (and around us) sometimes. knowing you are at peace will bring me peace.

thank you for this opportunity to chat with you again.

speak soon,
your humble student,
jamilah